Burn After Reading

I found this anonymous post shortly after the federal soldiers arrived to Portland in response to buildings being set afire, among other activities. I found the post hilarious, and I assure you that no one associated with Catbird Lit wrote this. This is authentic “found” art:

Some people have been saying that to end the brutal involvement of federal police in Portland, protesters should stop setting fires in the downtown area. Allow me to humbly propose, in contrast, that these people have it exactly backwards. The most effective, most certain way to bring this nightmare to an end is to burn the whole city down.

Now, before you dismiss this suggestion as impractical, please hear me out. Though it be undoubtedly an unconventional approach, it offers a number of distinct advantages.

First, it would deny the feds the high vantage point of their courthouse, which allows them to survey surrounding protesters with a better perspective, and to target them more efficiently. Once all buildings are reduced to ashes, they’ll have to make all their observations from ground level.

Second, think about where the feds have been sleeping. Do they have their own facilities? Or isn’t it likelier they are staying in hotels? Either way, with all buildings burned down they will not be able to find accommodation near the protests. Will they then commute from Beaverton (or another city) every day? Unlikely, I think — they’re too lazy!

Third, it would relieve many of the Antifa heroes who so far have been shouldering nearly all of the burden of starting fires, including the emotional labor involved. The work of starting fires should be equitably distributed among the whole population, with each family assigned the task of burning down their own residence. If any of them express reluctance, they could be doxxed, so their employers would know that they are closet fascists and fire them.

The use of CS gas would almost certainly decline precipitously, since the natural smoke from fires would already fill the air enough to make it unnecessary.

As a bonus, it would greatly alleviate the severe problems of inequality the city of Portland has struggled with for years. No longer would the rich be able to retreat behind the walls of their mansions and gated communities. Instead, everyone would be on an equal footing. Solidarity!

For these reasons (and no doubt others), I think this is a strategy well worth considering. Please help spread the word!

Everyone associated with Catbird Lit mourn the deaths of black people at the hands of police. BLACK LIVES MATTER.

We support police reforms such as abolishing choke-holds. Also, cease no-knock home invasions! No-knock home-invasions by cops, that is; the other home-invasions are already strictly prohibited.

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